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Monday, June 26, 2017

Driving Jokes: Too funny!

DUI Professionals?!
An extremely rich and famous German sports star was carving up the roads one afternoon in a brand new Porsche. Passing on the right, speeding everywhere, he takes a blind corner at speed and plows into the back of a Trabant, sending them both spiraling into a ditch. Both cars are demolished. The sports star hops out of the twisted wreckage of his Porsche, to see an elderly man climbing out of the Trabant with a jubilant smile on his face. The sports star asks the gentleman if he’s okay, if he’s in shock. The gentleman raises his arms and says “No! This is fantastic! Let’s celebrate! We’re both alive!” He opens what’s left of his Trabant’s door to see a box of Cuban cigars. “What a miracle! Such an impact, and my treasured cigars are okay! Let’s light them and celebrate our good luck!” So the sports star and the gentleman light up, and smoke their cigars. The gentleman looks back inside, and sees his vintage bottle of Scotch and two glasses, and pulls them out. “A toast to us! Such a horrific accident and we made it through without a scratch!” He pours two very tall glasses of Scotch, and hands one to the sports star. They clink their glasses, and the sports star downs his. He looks at the gentleman, standing there with a still-full glass. “Aren’t you having any?” he asks the gentleman. “Oh no, not until the police give you a breathalyzer.”

Miles Per Hour?!
A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself “this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies — the three passengers are wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
The officer replies, “Ma’am, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!” The old woman says, pointing to a sign next to the road.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that the sign was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”